What Is Self-Love...Really, Though?

I was living at a cozy little bed and breakfast when I first knew I loved myself. The trees gave us delicious fruit, the birds sang, the cat prowled, and I was hard at work. It was a ripe time. But during those months, I started to wonder, “what exactly is self-love anyway?” I’d pined after it for so long, and yet realized I didn’t know what I had been looking for.

I knew it had something to do with acceptance of our messy entirety. Clients who saw me for coaching all accepted themselves on some level even if they couldn’t identify it. Holding onto that part of themselves—the part that accepted and loved—was key in their healing. I had done the same for myself years earlier, and it was how I ended up becoming a healer.

So now it was up to me to heal myself. The next part I knew was key in this healing was self-compassion. I think of self-compassion as the integration of kindness toward self, mindfulness, and an understanding that suffering is universal. When I believed that I was alone in my suffering, and therefore that it was my fault, I was destined to ache even more.

It was through holding my own hand like I’d hold a small child’s that I learned to see myself as whole and beautiful. It was through showing myself kindness and realizing that the world was suffering alongside me that I learned I could never be alone. I stepped into the light and felt my power within me because I was aware of my feelings, and I met each one with love and compassion.

The next key to self-love I knew was self-forgiveness. I had made so many mistakes in the past, and it was easy to blame myself for them. It was easy to tell myself I wasn’t good enough because I had done things I wasn’t proud of. It wasn’t until I started practicing self-forgiveness through loving-kindness meditation, writing myself love letters, and more that I really became embodied as a healer. More so, it wasn’t until I started living these practices that I became the person I wanted to be—the one I’d always dreamed of.

The last characteristic of self-love that I have found is the courage to love others. The courage to be yourself in the midst of fear that others won’t love you back. Loving someone is a hard thing, because we often fear rejection. Sometimes we think we love someone, when really our love is tinged with self-hatred. This can be the source of abusive relationship dynamics. It is through rising from these ashes through practicing the other aspects of self-love that we can heal our relationships and how we relate with ourselves too. We are all capable. It’s just a matter of trying.

The definition of self-love I created over time is: the practice of gratitude for one’s own self-worth born from radical acceptance, self-compassion, self-forgiveness, and the courage to be vulnerable and love another. Self-love is born from the intention to act in accordance with one’s values and highest desires. 

I believe that the universe will hold you in this effort whenever you need it. You are trying your hardest, and even if you feel like it isn’t good enough, I think it is. In fact, I believe that you are a capable soul in a unique body who is here for a purpose only you can know through trying and living. Most of all, I believe in magic. I am here for you.. Now get out there and give yourself a big juicy hug—you’re worth every squeeze.

Artwork by Mia Adams