Moments When You Think You Failed

We all go through times when we don’t feel so hot—we try something new and we fall on our feet. Perhaps we work really hard on a presentation for our boss, or we tell a cute guy that we’re into him and get turned down. We all go through it. In the last twenty-four hours, I’ve experienced this feeling a whole lot. Here’s how.

I take an improv class every week, and after graduating to a new level, we do a performance for friends and family. I personally have never been brave enough to invite my loved ones, because I just moved to a new city and the people are still new and fresh. I figured I might feel more comfy performing in front of strangers. Right? Wrong!

Improv is a hard thing, because not only do you have to think on your toes and be spontaneous and funny, but you also have to take initiative to start and participate in scenes without being summoned to do so. I was on stage with my friends, and I can count on my fingers the number of times I actually did any acting in our performance. Otherwise I sat on the sidelines, enjoying what everyone else was doing. Usually, in class, I love being on stage…but last night I felt, well, shy.

Shyness is born out of a fear of unworthiness, and while I love myself more than ever before, this girl’s still got a whole lotta fear of these things when push comes to shove. We all do. It’s not just people who have mental illness or deep trauma or utter self-hatred who fear unworthiness. Our culture has raised us all to fear it on some level.

I saw it yesterday, when a lovely man told me that he liked—yes, like-liked—me, and I did not reciprocate. I saw in him the same fear of unworthiness as I’ve felt in years past in similar situations. I felt with him here, because I’ve been there, and I know that feeling—in fact, I had been there earlier that night on stage.

Thinking you’ve failed is different from feeling responsible for someone else feeling the same way, yes…but we’ve all been in both places. Our words, decisions, or feelings sometimes hurt people, and we are often—if we’re trying new things and taking chances—going to fall down, hard.

But that’s beautiful. It’s beautiful, because it’s human, and we’re all in it together. Even when it feels like people are laughing at you behind your back, those people have been through the exact same thing as you have if they are brave enough to take risks. Even if it feels like you’ll never have courage to walk or stand again, you sure will. You’ll be fierce again, because even in your puddle of tears you are fierce already.

Your beautiful ferocity lies in the fact that you were brave enough to take the steps required to trip. Not many people have such wildness in them. You go, friend. The universe has your back, as the lovely Gabby Bernstein puts it, and there is nothing you could do—no amount you could mess up—that could change that. The universe will always be there, waiting for you, loving you, holding you. Even when it feels like you’re alone—you are held…you are loved. Wait for it, feel it. You are not alone.

Artwork by Ashley Lukashev